Breast implant & explant Journey
Yep, in 2012 I made the decision to get breast implants.
Let me create the scene for you. A few months earlier I was on my bike riding and felt a weird sensation in my upper hamstring. Fear set over me like wildfire. I finished my ride, packed up my bike, drove almost home and before getting home I stopped at a local playground because I wanted to “test”, “did I really feel that?”.
At this time I was totally “asleep” to mySelf. I did not have the language I have now for my inner experiences. I was totally asleep in regards to my true self and feeling anything in my body. I was disassociated and disconnected from me- as most humans in the modern world are!
My test proved that yes, I did feel a weird sensation in my upper hamstring. I went on with my type-A go go go life pretending I did not feel anything yet, the fear was building inside of me. Fear of a problem. Fear of something wrong with my body. Fear of not being “perfect”. Fear of not being able to DO my normal rigid life. Blaming myself. Shaming myself.
I stopped going to my yoga class which stressed me out because my yoga class was part of my morning routine that made me feel like me (at that time). I switched to the gym and did movements that were “safe”, but this was stressful for me. I was beginning to not be free to move my body how I desired to move it. I began being cautious in my movements, hesitant, worrying that I would injure it more. This was the beginning of my body contracting more and more eventually leading to a debilitating fear of movement.
Unbeknownst to me, at that time, I had been living in my survival mode most of my life and now, my nervous system dysregulation was compounded by fear of pain, fear of movement and so much more.
Around this time my husband mentioned a friend of ours got breast implants and that I should get them too. I was vulnerable at this time. I was beating myself up for having a “pain”, a “problem”. I was still hiding this problem from everyone- including my husband. I thought if I just don’t tell anyone about my pain then, no one will know and I will still be perceived as “perfect” (remember, this is all subconscious at this time).
Subconsciously, I was angry at my body for having a pain, “how could you let me down”, “how could you do this to me”. I remember thinking I was doing everything “perfect”, how could I have a problem or pain. “I’m the physical therapist. I’m the health coach. I’m the yoga, pilates and Gyrotonic Instructor. I can’t have a problem with my body”. My subconscious belief system at the time was that if you do everything “right” and “perfect” then, you won’t have problems. I believed the more I controlled my life the more I could prevent problems- and that this was good. Because only weak people have problems.
This was the beginning of me losing all of my “perceived” control- which remember, control is just an illusion. At this time “rigid control” was a way of being, a survival mechanism, for me. I “controlled” my food by eating a raw vegan diet and felt guilt when I would even eat a cooked sweet potato or quinoa. I controlled my exercise by doing one hour on the elliptical machine every single morning. I controlled my schedule by having a nanny for my two young boys so that I could “work”. I was radically depleted but I had no conscious knowing of this at this time.
At this time I subconsciously felt “less-than, not worthy and unlovable” in my husband’s eyes. I felt weak- not good enough, frail. So when he suggested I get breast implants, in my mind subconsciously I believed he would love me more.
Putting it all together- I was pissed off at my body, felt less-than and unloved by my partner (my projections), my perfectly controlled daily life was now out of my control and more. To gain some control, be worthy in my husband’s eyes and get revenge on my body I made the decision to get breast implants.
I wanted to share my mindset and thought processes with you because I believe it’s so powerful to see how in the mainstream modern world we can so easily be disconnected from our true selves, disassociated from the sensations and wisdom of our miraculous physical body and make decisions that just keep us running around in circles on auto-pilot living via our conditioned belief system.
Most of the time it is an illness or dis-ease of the physical body or psyche that leads us to do the work to uncover our true Selves and free ourSelves. Illness, dis-ease, adversity…. it is all an opportunity for us to wake up!
Long story short, I kept my breast implants in for 10 years. I never loved them. They did not make me feel more loved or bring me any joy. The thigh pain I felt on my bike was the beginning of my journey with debilitating pelvic pain. Did the breast implants impede my healing journey- most likely. My poor body was already in radical depletion from nutritional deficiency, nervous system dysregulation (living in survival mode), living as the conditioned version of me and more…… and then I choose to go under anesthesia and get toxic foreign things in my body.
I look back now and it’s insane- literally insane. My poor body was already screaming for help trying so hard to send me signs including fatigue, anxiousness, aches and pains, digestive issues, brain fog and more. Finally, my body and soul realized I was not waking up to the whispers and screamed as loud as possible until I was in so much pain I could not move. I was forced to surrender.
Thank you body! Thank you sooooo much heart and soul and all parts of me including my spirit guides, angels and ancestors for continuing to try so hard to wake me up. I finally listened- only because I was in so much pain that I could not walk, wear underwear, have sex, sit etc etc. It took a lot but I finally chose to surrender and THAT was my best decision ever.
From this point forward, the knowledge, mentors, practitioners, coaches I needed to help me learn how to connect with me and radically know me, my true self, came my way. I recommitted to the healing journey time after time after time. It’s easy to get off track. The journey is extremely uncomfortable. It’s hard. It’s messy. I could not work, we were financially in dept, my relationship with my partner was a mess. I was barely surviving. But one moment at a time I started making better decisions in more alignment with my true self.
I saw a Naturopath who did enormous amounts of testing on me and I was literally physically a mess- totally depleted. I did not wake up to this until I saw the test results for my own eyes. This is what began to transform my belief system in regards to my abnormal patterns around food, movement, sleep and daily lifestyle choices. I had adrenal fatigue, barely any cholesterol, hormones were a mess, digestion and gut issues and more.
Yet, I did not FEEL this in my body. I never knew to tune into my body, notice how it feels, talk to my body, listen to her and receive guidance from her. She was not something I trusted. I thought I had to control her.
My conditioned way of being set me up for “success” in the modern world as I had really strong willpower and work ethic. I could do anything I set my mind to. My mind overpowered any “sensation” in my body that was trying so hard to get through. Our conditioned ways of being are survival mechanisms that we create to survive the world. We can thank them for all they did for us when we needed them but there comes a time that they no longer serve us.
I gradually uncovered more of my true self. She is so wise. I love up all parts of me, all my inner children, all my shadows. The work is never “done”. The healing journey continues till the day we transition. As I harmonized and integrated the parts of mySelf my physical body healed itself and my pain and symptoms fell away.
It was not until April 8th of this year, 2022, that I was finally ready to undergo anesthesia again to free my body of my toxic implants. While they were in me during my healing journey I made peace with the person who chose to get them. I made peace with and befriended them in my body. They were part of me for a bit. I thanked them for the lessons and let them go.
I never experienced “breast implant illness” however, i do believe if it was not for me being on a radical healing journey focused on tuning into my true Self needs and desires in ALLLLL areas of my life including emotions, relationships, purposes, healing traumas including ancestral, collective and personal, regulation my nervous system, learning to intuitively choose foods and movement that my whole being needed to heal and thrive, syncing with my natural rhythms, balancing my feminine and masculine energies, releasing all toxins in my world, transforming my limiting beliefs etc etc- I bet I would have.
Breast implant illness is a real thing and it’s part of the work I do in the world now. Removing the breast implants is only step one! Then it’s choosing to go into the underworld to uncover your true Self and unleash her loud and proud in this world. Choosing to get breast implants is just a symptom of deeper imbalances between the various parts of ourSelves.
My explant surgery was so simple and easy and I felt FREE immediately afterwards. Again, I did not have “breast implant illness” however, my body is coming into even more harmony without those toxic things in my body. I feel expansive, lighter, more clear in my mind. It’s another layer I peeled away in my journey to continue to unleash my true Self.
I love my body, I love my breasts- not for how they “look” but for how they feel and how they function, allowing me to be and do me in this life. I feel cozy and safe in my own skin. I feel like me- a truer version of mySelf. I’m proud of the woman I am today. I’m endlessly curious. I question everything. I choose to tune inward for any guidance and wisdom I need. I choose to be brave and courageous and step into new experiences. I sense and feel mentors to be inspired by. I’m not afraid to say, “I don’t know” or “I changed my mind about that”. I trust my inner wisdom above all else. I’m not always perfect with my choices, but when I choose away from my truths I catch it faster and do the work to heal the parts of me that chose from fear instead of love.
It is a process. We are all a work in progress. When we see the moments of our lives as radical opportunities to continue to awaken, heal and thrive we are excited to wake up each day and play!
I hope this helps you question YOU and your life journey and choices. Question everything. Get super real with yourself. Seek radical transparency with yourSelf because that is the only way we can be free and feel whole.